The 5th Duke of Poundland


A recent survey found that the East Midlands is the least represented region in the House of Lords. Is this because there’s no landed gentry in the area or because our lot can’t be arsed to make their way down to London? This brings us on nicely to William John Cavendish Cavendish-Scott-Bentinck, aka the 5th Duke of Portland (12 September 1800 – 6 December 1879),who is our featured literary figure for our current comic. The Duke was made  Marquess of Titchfield between 1824 and 1854 and had lots of opportunities to pop down to the old smoke and dab in with the political process but he couldn’t be arsed, much preferring to build tunnels under his home at Welbeck Abbey and focussing on the things that really mattered, such as inserting double letterboxes into the doors of his mansion. This was in stark contrast to his brother who was bezzie mates with Disraeli and quite a dealmaker.

To celebrate the life of Nottinghamshire’s most eccentric mole-carrying toff we’ve devised a little quiz so that you can discover whether you are regal or illegal when it comes to social class. Dawn of the Unread has a unique gaming feature to it in which readers have the opportunity to appear in our final chapter if they complete certain tasks. Bwainz – multiple choice questions, are one such element. So get your practice run sorted and then try it out for real on our home site.

Man’s best friend is his____________
a) Avatar
b) Followers on Twitter
c) Dog
d) Mole

You’ve got a shit load of cash to splash out on new clothes. Do you__________
a) Shop at Primarni
b) Shop at Armani
c) Get a nicked shirt from a mate who works at Paul Smith
d) Ask a valet to source you 3 frock coats and a false beard that you will wear at the same time.

It’s time to give your ancestral home a make-over. Do you___________
a) Invest in some family portraits and tapestries
b) Ring up Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
c) Go mental with MDF and laminate flooring
d) Paint everything pink

As Marquess of Titchfield you are elected as a Tory MP. Do you_________
a) Revel in the new found power and vow to improve society through political discourse
b) Abuse your position and take cash for questions
c) Ban all immigrants
d) Barely turn up at Parliament, preferring to dig tunnels under your mansion instead

You reward hard working staff with________
a) A pay rise
b) Nothing. I’m not a charity.
c) What staff? I thought they were here because they liked me.
d) An umbrella or donkey

What’s the best way to communicate with people?
a) Look ‘em in the eye and talk freely
b) Like them on Facebook
c) Install letterboxes in rooms
d) Install double letterboxes in rooms, one for ingoing mail and another for outgoing mail.

It’s hungry work instructing people to do everything for you. Therefore________
a) You treat staff to a curry once a week
b) Give out food vouchers
c) Eating is for wimps!
d) Have a chicken roasting 24/7

The best way to deliver food is_______
a) Take-away
b) In a newspaper (telegraph)
c) On your best Denby
d) Via heated trucks that run on rails through the underground tunnels

You build an underground ballroom. Do you___________
a) Invite all your mates and show off
b) Rent the space out for fundraising activities
c) See if you can get on Grand Designs
d) Never use it

Mostly ‘A’s it’s Poundland I’m afraid
Mostly ‘B’s they wouldn’t even let you in Greggs.
Mostly ‘C’s you have potential. Are you good with a spade?
Mostly ‘D’s congratulations. You are a thoroughbred member of the nobility.

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